While most Westerners seem to think it is okay to blame their parents for all their issues, we Asians are taught otherwise, our parents are and were always right! There's no such thing as a bad Asian parent! But in reality, it is this kind of mentality that stops you from properly understanding the root of your issues.
Parents are also human beings, so just like you and me, they too are flawed. Parenting is not something that comes naturally, it is a process that you have to learn as time goes by so while we can blame them, remember that most of the time it was unintentional.
In case you still think that your parents are perfect, here are some of the things they may have done that could have unintentionally screwed you up:
#1 They wanted you to fear them but also love them
As Malaysians, we are all familiar with the pain that comes after being struck by the rotan (cane) for doing something naughty. We live in constant fear that even making a slight mistake would have us trembling in fear. As a child, you have to constantly guess your parents' mood and be calculative of every step you take which can be very stressful for a kid or even a teenager.
#2 You have to deal with the adult problems, but still, be treated like a child
Most of the time when you're a child or a teenager, your parents come to you to complain about their problems with each other. Your mum complains about your dad and your dad complains about your mum while you're stuck in the middle. The worst part is when they ask you if the other told you anything about them. So you are forced to deal with adult problems but your opinion won't matter in the end because you're still a child to them.
#3 They want you to open up to them but they make fun of you or scold you when you do
Parents will come to you asking you if you have any problems and guilt trip you when you don't share anything with them but when you do, they turn on you and start making fun of your problems or give you a long lecture. They expect you to consult them when you face a problem but then they use that information against you.
#4 They want you to be independent but also don't want you to leave them alone
As a child, your parent always asked you to be more independent and to start doing things for yourself. But, later when you grow up and want to leave home to be more independent they start emotionally manipulating you by saying then you're abandoning them and leaving them all alone to fend for themselves. Then when you stay with them they always point out how the house and money are all theirs.
#5 They want you to obey them but if something goes wrong, it's your fault
Sometimes your parents treat you like objects, they make plans on their own and expect you to follow along. So you have to work this weekend but they planned on going somewhere with you, so they make a big deal about you cancelling and forcing you to skip work. You skip work to go see them and get in trouble but somehow it is not their fault, it's yours even though they are the ones who forced you to skip work.
We're not saying your parents are intentionally bad just to ruin your life, what we mean is something they don't realise that their behaviour is toxic. You need to understand that this behaviour can have a negative impact on your and your future so you need to acknowledge it and talk to them about it. If it doesn't work then, sort through your issues as a family by going to family therapy.
At the end of the day, you want to have a good relationship with your parents and they want what is best for you, so both you and your parents need to work on the relationship together.
Do you have parents that unintentionally behave in a toxic way toward you? Leave some of the toxic things they do in the comments section and tell us how you managed to get through the toxicity. You might be able to help someone who is facing the same problem.